What is the definition of a gentleman?  A man who owns a banjo but doesn't play it!

What is the definition of a lady? A woman who owns an accordion but doesn't play it!

A piper walks in to a music shop (that's odd for a start) and says. "I want to play a nice instrument please, one that sounds good." The shop keeper describes the benefits of a wide range of instruments and eventually the piper says, "OK I'll take that red trumpet and the white accordion." The shop keeper replies, "You can have the fire extinguisher but the the radiator stays here."

Can you spot the difference between these sources of irritation?
                     

Can you spot the odd one out?  A clue, one is much less irritating than the others.
      

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?  No one cries when you cut up a banjo.

What do see when you have a banjo quartet?  More strings than teeth.

What's the difference between a banjo and a lawnmower?  The neighbours get upset if  you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

How do make an accordion sound like a chain saw?  Add vibrato.

What's the difference between a dead rabbit in the road and a dead bodhran player in the road?  Skid marks in front of the rabbit.

Why are whistle players' fingers like lightening?  They rarely strike the same place twice.

Hey! How late does the fiddle group band play?  Oh about half a beat behind the bodhran player.

What's the difference between a whistle player playing in D and a locksmith?   The locksmith knows how to change key and he gets paid for it.

Why shouldn't you try to hammer in a nail with a banjo?  You might bend the nail.

How do you make a flute player into a drummer?  Put another useless stick in her other hand.

How long does it take to tune a 12 string guitar?  No one knows.

How do you get two bagpipers to play in unison?  Shoot one.

A flute player and fiddler are standing on a sinking ship. "Help!" cried the fiddler, "I can't swim."  "Don't worry." replied the flute player, "Just fake it as usual."

Customer: I'd like to buy a guitar, please.
Shop Assistant: You're a banjo player, aren't you?
Customer: How did you know that?
Shop Assistant: This is a fish and chip shop.

How can you tell the difference between bagpipe tunes?  By their names.

What is an accordion good for?  Learning how to fold a map.

What is the minimum safe distance between a musician and the public?
Fiddle / Flute / guitar. About 20 feet.
Bad fiddle /  flute / guitar.  About 40 feet.
DADGAD guitar. About 100 feet.
Banjo / accordion / bodhran.   About  150 feet.
Bagpipes.  There is no known recommended safe distance.

Why did the drummer join the band?   To hang out with musicians.

How do you get a fiddlers eyes to light up?  Shine a torch in their ear.

How do you slow a guitarist down? Give them music to read.

What is the definition of perfect pitch?  1. Throwing the whistle in the bin without hitting the sides. 2. Throwing the banjo in the skip without hitting the sides.

Did you hear about the flute player who locked his keys in the car? He had to break the window to let the drummer out.

How can you tell when the stage is level?   The dribble comes out of both sides of the fiddlers mouth. (Now that is a piper's joke because there are too few fiddler jokes here.  Anyway a piper would know all about dribble,  particularly when the cat they hold under their arm drowns.)

A man is in an antique shop when he spies a large brass rat in a corner. "I've got to have that, how much is it?", he asks. They agree a price and he walks off with the brass rat under his arm. After walking sometime he notices he is being followed by a large collecion of real rats - pied piper style. He steps up his pace but the the rats keep on coming and there are more and more joining by the second. In a panic he breaks into a run followed by thousands upon thousands of rats. He heads down to the harbour and throws the brass rat into the sea. The rats jump into the sea after the antique and the plague the town suffered is now over. The man goes back to the antique shop, "Excuse me", he asks. "You wouldn't happen to have a brass fiddle?"  (Another piper's joke - we'll have to get our own back.)